I am sad for Caydie. It is so hard to know that she is this wonderful sweet girl and to know that most people don't get to see that. It's hard to think that people are easily irritated by her and that she is "that child" - you know the one I am talking about. The one people prefer not to be around. It's so hard not knowing how to make things better for her and to have no clue if she will be better some day. She is funny, sweet, beautiful and so loving. Most people will never get to see that because they can't see past the autism.

In keeping with my "remembering" theme--

We used to get the air mattresses out on Saturday nights and "camp out" in the living room. We would eat popcorn and watch a movie. Princess usually passes out pretty early and then it was just the three of us. It was a lot of fun until sleep issues came up for Princess and we had to move our party back to her room so she could get to sleep.

Lots of things come to mind when I am without the kids. I hope that Little Man will be able to remember those good times and remember our "family times" I always tried to be sure they both had fun experiences and lots of family time - until the last couple of years when our lives were taken over by therapy appts.

I wish we could have made it work, I wish we could have communicated more, I wish Princesses issues were taken on by both of us instead of resting on me. I wish my kids didn't have to go through this at all.

"What do we do? We swim, swim"
When life gets you down and you feel like you can't pull through, just keep trying, just keep hoping, just keep moving, just keep going, Just ...

So here I am at 9:32 on a Thursday night - kids are with their Dad and I am getting some alone time. Sounds good right?? Well it always sounds good when you can't have it!

My daughter has autism and let me tell you sometimes I definitely need a break - but usually a afternoon will do me. Now I won't lie and pretend I don't enjoy sleeping in my own bed since the Princess requires that I sleep with her and normally sleeps until 5:30 or 6 at best. I will also admit that as much as I was ready for this separation I do miss hearing my kids with their Dad. I miss that after I had the princess to sleep I would get up to watch a little TV and hear my son and his Dad laughing together.

I miss alot of things about being a family in that house. I mainly just miss being that family when it was good.

I look forward to finding my footing here and defining what my new definition of our family will be.

But tonight - I am lonely.

Sad

Sad that I let my relationship get so bad before I left, Sad that I let him separate my from my son for so long. My daughter has autism and while I was basically left alone to deal with that I have become an outsider in my son's life. Love the fact that they can be so close but sooooo sad for the realtionship I want to have with my son. Sad for the time the kids have to spend apart when there is nothing my daughter loves more than having her bubba around. Just sad today.

So my son was supposed to stay with me last night. Every thing was ok for a couple of hours but the closer we got to bed time I could tell he was getting sad. I asked if he was ok and he told me he really to go to home and started to cry. I let him go because I can't stand to see him upset. Broke my heart - cried like a baby when he left. He is having a really hard time being away from his Daddy and I understand that but I am having a hard time being away from him! I keep telling myself that it will be ok and it has only been 3 weeks....

Sooooo Three weeks into this and I feel good about my decision. We are letting the kids have a say in where they stay right now while they adjust and since school is out we have time to play with the schedule but I am really ready to get one set. I want to know when my babies will with me and when they won't. I finally found my camera and memory cards so I will get some pics posted of the apartment and the kids.